Up Close and Personal

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Comment by Barbara Siragusa on April 27, 2008 at 1:31pm

Hayley, I would love to have my mother with me here in the US. Firstly, she is stubborn enough to not want to leave her home land. Secondly, her Doctor does not want her to travel this far at this time, and lastly, once she is here there is no health coverage for her. We all know the cost of medical treatment, and it just would not be possible for me to pay for any major treatment if it was needed. Although, I would add to this that I would give my last penny for her.

While I was there in Scotland, I did get her more home care than she was getting. Someone comes in every morning to make sure she gets breakfast, a shower etc. But I managed to get her an extra visit for the evenings, to heat up a dinner for her. I have arranged for a company to deliver very good frozen meals for people in her position, so she is eating healthy.

I will never understand my brother. I found her neglected when I arrived there last November, yet he is a very kind hearted man in other ways. I believe he hates his life, losing his wife and at the age of 45 having to have his mother take him in. It doesn't justify his neglect of her though.

I am hoping to be back in Scotland in July with my husband and 2 younger sons.

First I have to concentrate on my older son's wedding in 2 weeks. Now that is stress with a capital S!!! Between family bickering, ex issues and so much more, May 10th will be interesting to say the least!

Comment by Hayley Solich on April 8, 2008 at 6:30pm

Hi Barbara
Your message has left me with tears in my eyes, because I know how you feel. It is a very difficult time of life when you are older and having to depend on those who once depended on you for everything.
I feel the sadness in you over the separation of miles. What a wonderful memory you have built for yourself and her over those 12 weeks you gave to your relationship.
Having lost my mother in a car accident when I was 23, I would have loved to have had my mum around for a few more years. I desperately missed her as I was birthing my four children. There were so many questions I wanted to ask but never got the opportunity to. I was totally unprepared for her leaving.
In some ways, I guess it is similar for you, for although she is still there she is out of the reach of your arms and the care of your loving heart. It must be very frustrating for you.
She is a lucky woman to have so much love in the heart of her daughter. Have you considered looking outside of your family for the care that she needs? There are often community groups that can assist older people with their finances, their paperwork, their getting to and from appointments. Perhaps your younger brother needs to hear a few home truths, as it would appear that he is taking advantage of the situation. I guess though if his partner was unprepared to live with him, then that may be an indication of his maturity level, sad though that must be for you.
Have you considered relocating your mum to the States, nearer to you or would that be a disaster? I guess we struggle with these relationships the most because it is difficult to manage both ends of the scale - your own children and your parent that is reverting to a childlike dependency.
My father, who has done many things that I have had to forgive him for, has been diagnosed with early stages Alzheimer's. He visited me about a year ago now. I had to repeat myself so many times but I just found a deep level of patience in me for him because I sincerely felt sorry for him. I love him, despite his failings and his negative choices that have followed him throughout life. I am just grateful that he found another woman who can care for him, because I would not want the burden of him full-time.
My heart is with you, Barbara.
Love
HAYLEY

Comment by Barbara Siragusa on April 7, 2008 at 8:23pm

Approaching 50, I sometimes feel that my journey here has given me so many joys, and the disappointments that life can throw at you. The one thing that first came to mind, when thinking about the courage that I need the most is caring, long distance, for my aging mother. I am sure there are many of you out there with aging parents, and know the challenges involved in trying to make sure they are ok, while you continue to build your own life.

Perhaps my story is a little different, as my mother is not in the same town, or even the same country.

I left Scotland at the age of 21, at the time we were a young family, a husband with a bright future in America, and my beautiful 3 month old daughter. My parents, then in their mid 40's, were still young, and I never stopped to think about the years to come and the miles I would have to cross to see them.

Life was a whirlwind. New country, new husband, new baby. My parents tried hard to come to see us once a year, and we phoned often, and wrote. Photos of the children were sent often.

Fast forward to January 2000. My father passed away and left a huge gap in my heart. As I tried to heal, I realized my mother was quite helpless without him. The old fashioned marriage, he the provider, she the home maker. Fast forward again to today. At the age of 76, my mother has aged tremendously and quite frankly given up the will to live. I have a younger brother who lives with her, and honestly does nothing to enhance her life. He is selfish, and irritated with her. Yet, it was his choice to move in with her after he got divorced and lost his house.

I took my first trip, alone, to see her 5 years ago. It was heart wrenching leaving my youngest children of 4 and 5 but also necessary to be with my mother. Since that first trip, I have been there 6 times, this last time over the Christmas holidays where I spent 12 weeks with her. I missed Christmas with my family here, New year, my son's birthday in January. But the joy I gave my mother was my reward. Over the time there, she ate well, laughed a lot, got out of the house ( she had been in doors for over 1 year) helped her with her finances and paperwork. I pampered her, gave her pedicures, washed her hair and brushed it for her.

As I left a couple of weeks ago, she took my hands in hers and looked deep into my eyes and thanked me. I asked her why? She said for taking the time. My answer was, she is my mother, and as hard as it is to leave my young children behind, she is equally valuable.

I am now back in the US. She has fallen out of bed once already. Missed her eye appointment for a cataract, that my young brother forgot to remind her about. Has more issues with paperwork that my brother can't figure out either, or won't try.

I made my life here in the US. Yet, my heart gets pulled back to my mother and what more I can do for her. I am facing this, as many people with aging parents have to do. I just ask God for courage daily, that I can give enough of myself to those who need me, including my very precious mother.